Can we take a minute to talk about maternity clothes? I've got a beef with the brilliant person who designed mid-belly maternity pants. I mean, who, in their right mind, would decide to create maternity pants that have a tiny (in comparison to my growing maternal belly) elastic band, cover it in fabric and have it rest mid-belly on a pregnant woman? In theory it may seem like a great idea; you have this stretchy fabric that will allow the pregnant woman to wear the same pants through her pregnancy. Notice I said, "in theory?" I don't know; maybe some of you reading this will write back and say, "Bert! You crazy, hormonal woman! These are the greatest designed pants for maternity wear to come on the scene!" And you may be correct. One thing is certain, I am hormonal which tends to lead to some crazy thinking. Allow me to state my case:

That blasted elastic folds over itself! I don't think I'm alone in this because a few of my girl friends have had the same problem, but the dumb elastic band, the one that lets your belly comfortably grow, always ends up folded over in the middle. This creates an incredibly awkward looking bulge in the middle of my belly. It's not like anyone else doesn't notice the giant watermelon that's protruding from my midsection but now they have this beacon of awkwardness directing their eyes...right...to...the money shot. I might as well be a sixth grader with a giant red pimple on the tip of her nose. (That's happened to me before too.) They make me want to don suspenders. Yeah, that's right, suspenders. Have you noticed that the bigger the gut is on a man, the more likely he is to wear suspenders? I understand why because I have the same problem! The larger my belly gets the more likely it is that my mid-belly maternity pants are to fall down. I'm constantly hoisting them up, however, I have noticed that I can't do it discreetly any more because the fabric begins to tear on the mid-belly section of my maternity pants. So now, I've got to grab onto the actual pant part of my pants and literally hoist them up. There's no way to do this in a lady-like fashion and I'm a mom with young children. I don't have time to excuse myself so that I don't end up mooning the entire checkout line at the grocery store because I can't seem to control my plumbers crack. Suspenders...they are the answer.

Really, I'm just angry; because I purchased the cutest pair of maternity jeans online recently, from a place where I cannot return them and dagnabbit, well, you see my problems up above. I love everything about these jeans - the cut, the color, the embellishments, even the stitching. Every single time I wear them I'm constantly hoisting them up indiscreetly or trying to unroll the elastic that's folded over yet again. It's really a rather unattractive event to witness. Imagine it, a woman who is pregnant with her third child at 17 weeks is standing in line in front of you. She reaches down to her pants and in a large, hoisting motion, lifts the pants up and over the midsection of her pregnant belly. You don't realize this but she's also lifted her underwear up too because the pull that gravity has taken on the pants is also causing her underwear to fall down. Oh, you didn't know she was doing that? Woops! I only know this because I am that woman in the checkout line in front you. Only, maybe by then I'll have bought myself a pair of suspenders so the whole scene can be avoided.