Depression. Miscarriage. Infertility. These are three words that carry a huge stigma in our mommy culture today. Three unfortunate experiences that make women everywhere either hide their face in shame or keep quiet so that no one will question what they did to cause this. It may sound really abrasive to you but think about it: If you've ever experienced any of these did you go and shout it off of the roof tops for the world to know? My guess is that you probably didn't and if you did, well, my hand goes out to you for you are braver than I have been.
I know, I know; you're probably wondering why on Earth I'm thinking about this. Well, it was all prompted by my friend's Facebook status on Mother's Day. My friend, Daphne, posted this on her Facebook profile, "It's a bittersweet Mother's Day today. Grateful for [my son] E and the joy, laughter, love and entertainment he brings to our life and has for the last 2.5 years. But also mourning for the two sweet babies we recently lost to two miscarriages. So this Mother's [D]ay, hug your little ones just a little tighter, hold them just a little longer and remember we get to be moms because of them! Thank you God for E!" When your friend hurts you hurt; it's the law of friendship. I wondered how Daphne was feeling, if she had confided in someone or at least let others know the loss she was mourning that weekend. Depression. Miscarriage. Infertility. All three are isolating. No mother chooses to struggle with depression. No mother wants to feel the pain and loss of life from within her womb. No woman longs to feel emptiness as she walks through infertility. And yet sometimes we feel like we have to walk through this alone. Daphne shared with me that her reason for sharing the news of her miscarriage with people was because people had been asking her when she was going to become pregnant again. The pain that the question caused encouraged her to be open with people about what she was going through. By sharing her own experience with others she's found comfort in the arms of friends, encouragement in the form of living plants given to her by friends and prayers whispered to help heal her heart. What are we waiting for? Are we waiting for someone to ask us if we're struggling? Here I go: Hi, my name is Bert and I've been diagnosed with depression since my son was four months old. The first four months of my son's life were very dark and while I have slipped back into my depression twice since my diagnosis. I'm in a good place now and I'm so thankful for this.
I suffered a miscarriage April 2012 after suffering from PPD after my firstborn. It was a very difficult thing to go through. I didn’t tell people because it hurt to talk about. I didn’t feel isolated, well except from my mother. She didn’t quite understand what I was going through. My mother in law did. I NEEDED that time to cry and mourn quietly without people being in my face asking how I was doing. Now, I am more open about it because, yes it still hurts, but I feel like being open makes me a lightning rod for other mothers who haven’t had the courage to speak up yet. I am 19 weeks pregnant with my 2nd child. It hurts to say it like that. But my actual 2nd child is my angel baby. This will be my 2nd child that I, hopefully, get to carry with me and walk with here. Too many people don’t understand and I think that is where the isolation lies. I don’t want to be remembered for the woman who suffered a miscarriage. But rather a woman who, like many, suffered loss AND celebrated life. Mom, you are not alone. You can be if you need the time alone, but when you’re ready we are all here waiting to comfort you and your family.
Depression, even mild depression, is a miserable place to live. I hope that if you’re feeling this way again you can find a friend to confide in so you don’t have to feel alone. <Hugs!>
I really dislike that people always ask when you’re going to get pregnant again (or when you’re going to have your first). It’s really no one’s business but yours, and it can be very painful to disclose, or even just reminded of. My heart goes out to all the mommy’s who face the pain of infertility, miscarriage, or depression. You are not alone. <3
You’re so right. It is something we’re taught not to talk about. I have dealt with depression since…childhood? I have also had 3 miscarriages and my baby son was stillborn 7 years ago next month. There were times my closest loved ones told me repeatedly not to cry. What? My baby just died and you don’t want me to cry? What is wrong with you? I wish I’d been able to say that to them.
There really is something wrong with the attitude that we’re not allowed to mourn our losses or cry when we’re sad. What are we supposed to do with our emotions if not feel them?
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